I know it's late people, but I really love my dear bloggy friend Sarah over at Racing Towards Joy and want to participate in her Sunday link up, but that means I have to write something, and the rules clearly state no pictures allowed so I have to come up with my inspiration on my own. Oy vey. A challenge. If you are a regular lurker around these parts then you've probably noticed my well has been dry the last few weeks.
This is because life is too good to be true. I wanted to write a post on Micah's birthday (just before Thanksgiving) but the day before was the birthday of a little girl Sofia, born one day before Micah John who died a year ago Wednesday. How could I write a post on my sons birthday that my friend Felicia might read, and not see as trite. How could I find words to express how wonderfully blessed I am, and not be completely insensitive to her pain. Even if she never read the words I wrote in this space.
I wanted to write a post another day, the day I attended the funeral of a 43 year old son to one of the pastors of the Association I work for. The pastor and his wife are good acquaintances of mine, I see them at 3 or 4 functions a year, their smiles light up a room, his voice is booming and full of Christs comfort. It broke my heart the way they hugged me as I filtered through with the crowd supporters. She held onto my shoulder and squeezed tightly and sobbed for a moment longer than I would have expected. I cannot imagine the pain they have been feeling. My sadness for them has been all but forgotten, it's waned away as the day's have passed and our paths have not. But they don't have that luxury. They immediately, days after the funeral, had to turn around and face the holiday season.
What do you write after hearing one of the most influential christian women roll models in your life confess she's afraid to pray? She's struggling to trust her prayers because her seven years worth of prayers for a miracle healing for her daughter had ended in her going home to be with the Lord. A woman whom I know through her testimonies and watching her strength and faith, her peace and survival through some of the greatest trials I can imagine. A woman who doesn't realize how significantly her families trial and walk through that trial has shaped and molded my faith because we've only talked a couple dozen times.
That's just three examples, but there have been several others. Tragedy's that are two or three steps removed from me and my family, that make me feel a million times more blessed and yet deeply affected, saddened, burdened. There aren't enough hours in the day to pray for the people who need miracles, blessings, and strength or peace. And yet, most of my day floats by without intentional prayer. I walk through my day laughing or yelling at my kids, cooking or cleaning in my kitchen, working, living.
I just watched The Heart of Christmas on GMC a movie that I highly recommend, if you like Christian tear jerkers, and it brought all of these second-hand tragedies and their impact on my life together in a dramatic volcanic emotional response.
My mother always used to tell me "Life isn't fair." I hated it when she said that! Hated how it always came off like some sorry consolation for the fact that Claire got her ears pierced 3 years before me, for being unable to try out for volleyball due to a broken arm, for my best friend moving to South Carolina, for having to eat Monkey Bread on Christmas morning every. single. year. That phrase is still lame, it doesn't even begin to encompass what I'm feeling, and yet it does. But now, in this grown up world I realize I'm on the other end of that fair.
I've written about this before, more or less, but it's really been a significant part of my year. Realizing how blessed I am, and wanting to do more for others, a part of growing up I suppose. Watching the Heart of Christmas has reaffirmed my desire to be more intentional about the moments in my life. Letting the little things roll of my shoulders and not affecting me, believing the best about my husband and children and enjoying them more. Praying more fervently for those friends I mentioned above and the many others I've been saddened for this month.
I don't want to forget to trust the Lord, to lean on Him, even now when things are good. To be IN His presence because I can be, and because when the time comes for us to walk through another trial, I want to be ready. My faith strong, my life having been fully enjoyed, my relationship with the Lord not just familiar but in full stride.