Yesterday. Ah, yesterday.
When I went to bed last night I felt full.
Not full from food, or from cravings fulfilled,
not even just full of love for my family,
as I often feel as my head hits the pillow.
This was greater.
Trying to define it is impossible,
but my mouth keeps forming the word
I think the feeling of fullness from last night,
and the overflow I'm feeling today,
is the aftermath, of obedience.
A combination in equal parts of
humility, contentment, and pride.
You see, what I experienced yesterday wasn't just
a one sided display of the Lord's goodness,
but every member of my family displayed
obedience and personal growth yesterday.
Tears spill over as the feeling washes in again.
Full. Abundant. Tranquil.
Like the mist off of a waterfall.
I dropped off my sweet Micah at daycare as I do everyday, and picked him up in big boy underwear.
Perhaps this doesn't strike you as a display of obedience, or personal growth, but you didn't get to see the look in his eye as he declared to everyone he was in underwear, that yes, he was a big boy "are you a big boy?"
"Uh huh" he said with a nod and ear to ear grin.
Three months ago he was nearly trained but then he (and let's be honest, we) backslid. As recently as Saturday I couldn't get him interested in trying, couldn't get him to go in the toilet, underwear meant accidents and trips to the bathroom ended in protests and tears.
Is the work complete? Probably not. But in three days my daycare provider managed to get Micah excited about potty training, and declared in confidence last night that he would be fine in underwear. Was I nervous about sending him to VBS in underwear, you better bet I was! However, there was also a joy and peace about giving him the opportunity to impress me. Showing confidence in him helps him have confidence in himself.
Oh confidence, a running theme of yesterday's joy.
Owen won a prize at VBS for getting up on stage and answering a question from our Pastor. This in and of itself makes me proud, but as Owen tells it "are you extra proud of me because I had stage fright but went anyway?" Now, I've never known Owen to have stage fright a day in his life, but if he says he did, and I know I do, well then, yeah I'm double and triple proud of him. It opened the door for me to talk to him about bravery and boldness for Christ and desiring to do things for God that might be scary but worth it in the end.
Brian, my precious husband has been stepping out of his comfort zone to teach/lead the Youth Group at VBS every day this week. It makes me so proud to sit and listen to him each night, sharing his knowledge and love for our Lord. I enjoy watching him grow in his understanding, grow as a teacher, and even as a person. Nothing makes me prouder to be his wife than his faith and obedience to the Lord.
That leaves me, myself, and I. Last night I shared my testimony with the youth. Not a recent or brief "what God has done", or a 90 second recap of how I came to Christ. I did, as I called, "my abbreviated life story" sharing in depth how God used earth shattering events in 7th, 8th and 9th grade to draw me to Him, show Himself as my Father, and deepen my prayers respectively. I rehashed how lonely I was in school, mentioning some examples of the hurt and seclusion I felt, of how I never felt like I fit in with the world around me, and how I believed the bullies and tormentors in my classes. I shared three scriptures I wished I'd known back then, 1 Cor 6:18 about the Lord as my father, Psalms 55:22 which I've seen alive in my life so many times, but most importantly Zephaniah 3:17. I had several girls come up and tell me "you were so good, you made me cry, I just want to hug you". My intent was not to cry in front of a room of teens, or cause them to cry, my goal, my hope and my prayer, is that they will take away from my story that their worth is not measured by the worlds standards, by what their friends or peers think of them. That they don't have to believe hurtful things that are spoken about them and should not let their self confidence be in those things. My prayer is that instead they will take the words of Zephaniah 3:17 to heart and realize that as children of God, the King of Kings, we are valuable, He loves us, and His opinion is the only one that should matter.
The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
~ ~ ~
In addition to all of that,
to the overflow of Christ's love
through my family
and each one of us growing yesterday,
it was also the anniversary
of one of the biggest miracles
I've ever personally experienced.
Throughout the day I often felt flashbacks so strong, moments of peace and comfort so deep, it was as if I was back in that oncologist's office hearing the words "Do you have kids? Go to a sperm bank." No statistics, the doctor not wanting to risk us not going, worried for us that we might not have children otherwise.
By the Lord's grace we found out we were already pregnant. Expecting Owen. In midst of finding out Brian had cancer, that one doctor believed kids might not be an option without medical intervention, that our lives were about to get tough with testing and treatments, we were given the greatest gift. A gift that kept on giving. A bfp, something to look forward to, a distraction from the trial, a miracle, a round belly, the first ultra sound, kicking and wiggling in the womb, "It's a boy!", the pregnancy waddle, delivery, holding our sweet sweet baby boy.
But the grace didn't end there. The miracles didn't stop with Owen. The Lord has showed us time and time and time again with positive test after positive test (in addition to many other great and worthy gifts and examples) that He alone is in charge and He alone has the power to practice divine intervention.
Yes my friends.
Yesterday was full,
and today I still feel the effects and love,
PS if anyone can tell me why blogger insists on highlighting certain portions of my text when I have not indicated to do so, or better yet, how to fix it, I would be extremely grateful.