Today I want to thank you for the three years, one month and two days that I have survived since miscarrying Tobi. Thank you for the love that was poured on us, and the prayers that covered and lifted us closer to you during that time. Thank you for the cards, the flowers, the stolen glances of half smiles (you know, the ones where a persons lips raise but their eyes only reflect a shared pain), for the bible verses that remind me and breathed life back into a hurting heart.
Mostly Lord I thank you for the Peace Lilly. For the friend who sent it to me.
She had no idea what it would mean to me, couldn't have had any clue that for days, weeks, months, and even the next 2 years that one plant would live on my coffee table and serve to remind me I wasn't alone. Remind me of the prayers others had prayed. Remind me of the strength and peace that only You can provide.
Lord I thank you that for years that plant brought me comfort and rest. I praise you for small symbols that can keep us rooted in your love and your faithfulness. This plant was not my baby, it was not my Lord, but it was so precious because of everything it represented to me.
I thank you Lord that now I keep a Peace Lilly, not to remind me of Tobi, but to remind me to pray for others. I thank you that I'm able to see more than the pain and peace I needed to survive, but I think of others before myself, the women I've sent Peace Lilly's to. I praise you that, while I wish none of these other women had suffered loss, a mother gone too soon, a husband lost to a terrible disease, and more miscarriages that will never be forgotten, it reminds me to pray. To continue praying for these women, these situations, their strength, Your peace. I praise you that while I'll always think of Tobi and miss what could have been, I've learned more about pain.
I praise you Father that it's getting easier to find the blessings that stemmed from this loss. That the statements of praise I was able to mutter that day, week, month have become stronger, true-er, and easier to say, to feel.
Thank you for the promise that Tobi was to us, the symbol that we could have more children. Thank you ever more that his or her life is made complete in your love and company.
Oh the joy it will be to meet in heaven, women talk about that surprise feeling of waiting until birth to find out what they are having, I don't think I could do it, but here I am, waiting until death with eager joy.
I love you for being Faithful and Peaceful, and even for using our deepest pain to teach us and mold us into the people you want us to be. With the faith and testimonies you want us to have.
Thank you Father.