Yesterday's message has been on auto play in my mind for the last twenty four hours. Several of Pastor's lines replaying at different times, ringing reminders of what the Lord was teaching me then, and is still trying to get through to me.
Five minutes into it I knew I didn't want to hear anymore, and yet as it wound down, I couldn't get enough of it. I loved every word he said, every example, every verse, reminder, every truth he spoke, but I hated every moment of it. Every fiber of my being feeling convicted; disobedience, laziness, apathy each scratching at the surface, squirming, writhing, aching to be let out.
It was like watching someone smash crystal on cement, excuse after excuse being shattered on the floor.
The message was this: Jesus is your King.
Simple, and yet so convicting. How often do I ignore what I know I should do for what I want to do? Do I worship Him like a King? Do I seek His council always? Do I trust His wisdom and knowledge? Do I give Him my all? Do I wait to see His plans revealed? Do I think of Him majestically? Does it bother me, deep inside to think of Him on that cross, dying for me?
I want to, yes, I intend to.
But do I?
Lately, it feels as though my praises have been few and far between, my requests uttered quickly, my heart unwilling or too guarded to share with the One person who longs to know me more deeply and intimately than anyone else ever could. My trust and faith are both intact, but I've allowed the Devil to weigh me down with excuses a plenty, for my heart to get so wrapped up and consumed by one desire that there was no room left to seek God, or obey His commands.
One way I let this happen was by falling out of the Word. Sure I'd read a few verses online, pick up my copy of The Story by Max Lucado for a few minutes, worshiped to music, or even read a bloggers devotion, but I wasn't truly seeking and reading God's word for myself. For one thing, I can't find my Bible, 3 weeks now I've been unable (and not quite trying hard enough) to find it. For another, Micah has been in a particularly horrible phase of bad sleep lately and is in bed with me nearly every night and if he's not there by 3:00 AM he comes in no later than 7:00 and we snuggle until the alarm goes off 30 minutes later. It is a beautiful way to wake up each day, but it allows for no quiet time with the Lord.
So, I want to share with you what happened this morning, because I know that it was the Lord calling me to Him, there is no other way to describe it.
Last night, I'd found one of the other 5 Bibles we have in our home and decided I would use it until I either find my Big Bertha or until I buy a new one, and read for awhile before bed. Finding special comfort in Matthew Chapter 6. All of it ;) but even after doing that, I went and shut off my cell phone because it's set to go off each morning before the sun comes up and I knew Micah would be sleeping with me, meaning I'd hate to risk waking him and I probably would need the extra sleep because our bed is not big enough for three. At 2:47 my prediction came true, Micah crawled into my bed, and since I'd already put him back twice I gave in and let him curl into my arm, snuggling with me and speaking to my love language of touch soothing my heart that was left raw after a night full of conviction and tears. At roughly 6:30 Micah sat up, crawled out of my bed and walked out of my room.
I laid there in shock, and some annoyance, for surely he thought it was time to get up and within seconds I'd hear him trying to hunt down breakfast in the kitchen. I heard the odd but distinct sound of a door closing softly, and waited. Nothing more. No chair scooting through the kitchen as he tried to climb on the counters, no loud call "bekfast Mommy, bekfast!" Nothing but silence.
I looked at the clock again 6:35, about an hour before my family would be awake, with a Bible on my bedside table, my last remaining excuse just walked out of my room and put himself back into bed for the first time in his entire life, my morning miracle. Leaving me perfectly available to go sit in the kitchen and spend much needed time in God's word. So, that my friends is what I did. And I must say, it feels good to be back.
After reading the first 6 chapters of Matthew I had time to go take a shower (which is in the basement), though apparently this caused my family some panic as they had no idea where I was, when I came upstairs it was to find all of my men frantic. Micah was crying out "Mommy er are you?" and Owen shouting "Mom, come out now! This isn't funny." And Brian had the front door open and was walking outside. Brian later confessed he thought I'd perhaps been kidnapped when I took out the trash.
Sometimes, it's good to know they worry. I am loved.