Where I Belong

I am pro life.

I always have been. Quietly, believing that no matter the circumstances God has an amazing plan for every child.

I believed it, I lived it, but I didn't affectionately feel it, until I suffered a miscarriage.

The presidential election was close at hand when I was grieving the loss of my child.  I can vividly remember sitting at work one day listening to a Focus on the Family broadcast about Obama and his stance on abortion, a woman was giving a very graphic testimony about living through an abortion, and I was a blubbering mess.

My love for all things baby had grown exponentially through my loss. I've shared before that as a result of my loss I now have a heart for pregnant women, for grieving women, that I pray fervently for babies growing and mommies grieving for months and months after the birth or loss, and love to see prayers answered for beautiful, healthy, full term babies.

With a heart like that, it's embarrassing to admit how easily I've overlooked the fight against abortion.

It's too big.

Too controversial.

I'm just one me.

People who know me, know what I believe.

That's enough.

Isn't it?

Last night, I crawled out from under the rock I've apparently been living under, long enough to discover that aborted fetus' are used in all kinds of disturbing ways. PepsiCo uses them to help research flavor enhancement. Say what? The article does say the fetal cells do not end up in the end product, but that doesn't make sense to me and I still find it extremely disgusting.

My heart began to break for those children, for first steps that were never taken, kisses never given, "I love you's" never uttered.

Soon I was crying for my baby in heaven, for how delusional this world is. For what we have taken for granted, for the blessing we have denied, killed and turned a blind eye to.

Immediately, I decided not to purchase Pepsi Products anymore, so long to my good friend "All Natural" Sierra Mist. Then, it was brought to my attention that aborted fetuses are also used in and to cultivate cells for vaccinations.

Seriously?

I started clicking on a million links. Did you know Pepsi also makes Gatorade and Aquafina? Or that other companies are involved and the list of products that contain aborted fetuses and by association therefore support abortion is a full page long?

Am I in affect, supporting abortion if I grab a pack of Trident when I check out?

It didn't take long before my burden began to turn into anxiety.

It's too big.

Too controversial.

I'm just one me.

I didn't even know how to pray as I was falling asleep. What to say, do or feel. I rested in the knowledge that the Spirit knows my heart and can turn my gut wrenching silence into the most beautiful of prayers.

Even though all was dark and quiet these words began to soothe me to sleep.

All I know is I'm not home yet,

This is not where I belong.

Take this world and give me Jesus,

This is not where I belong. 

When the earth shakes,

I wanna be found in you. 

When the lights fade,

I wanna be found in you. 

Building 429 Where I belong 

This morning I was reading/praying my Psalm of the day, number 5 as I somehow thought today was March 5th. Where they didn't bring me answers to the zillions of questions I now have swirling around in my head, they did bring me comfort.

Give ear to my words, O Lord,
Consider my meditation.
2 Give heed to the voice of my cry,
My King and my God,
For to You I will pray.
3 My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.

4 For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness,
Nor shall evil dwell with You.
5 The boastful shall not stand in Your sight;
You hate all workers of iniquity.
6 You shall destroy those who speak falsehood;
The Lord abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

7 But as for me, I will come into Your house in the multitude of Your mercy;
In fear of You I will worship toward Your holy temple.
8 Lead me, O Lord, in Your righteousness because of my enemies;
Make Your way straight before my face.

9 For there is no faithfulness in their mouth;
Their inward part is destruction;
Their throat is an open tomb;
They flatter with their tongue.
10 Pronounce them guilty, O God!
Let them fall by their own counsels;
Cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions,
For they have rebelled against You.

11 But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You;
Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them;
Let those also who love Your name
Be joyful in You.
12 For You, O Lord, will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield.

Even though the morning brought comfort the weight was still heavy, the fight is still too big, too controversial, and I'm still just one me.

Perusing links again, I stumbled on Every Life Is Beautiful, a site created by the makers of October Baby a movie about an abortion survivor (I shared the preview here a few weeks back, so excited to see this amazing story in theaters). The site is basically a series of videos from people involved in the movie, sharing their testimonies about why Every Life Is Beautiful. The first video hit me right where I needed to be hit. It came up automatically when I opened the page and is of Jon Erwin, the Co-Director of October Baby.

I think the movies that inspire me are the ones that, that have some story or redemption in them. People fighting and dying for things that are bigger than themselves.

Yeah, me too, Jon Erwin. Me too.

This is me, living my story.

I'm not sure what the answers are to my questions, and I honestly might not even know all of the questions yet. But I know the difference between right and wrong, I know that if I keep seeking and asking the Lord will make His way straight before my face.

I can start by:
Joining the voices of others.
Opening my eyes, staying up to date with the news, and researching that which I don't understand.
Saying good bye as I finish the bottle of Sierra Mist in my fridge.
Making an honest effort not to purchase Pepsi Products.
And by supporting and promoting the movie October Baby.

And most importantly I need to remember that my joy is found in Him and not to let this world get to me, because ultimately I am not home yet, this is not where I belong.




Do you stand against abortion? How do you avoid inadvertently supporting abortion or other strong convictions? Do you have any tips or tricks on how to live in this world without conforming to it? I'd love to hear your stories!