Random

I haven't really had many cohesive thoughts lately, most of what has been floating around my head has been random, so  here is to a little bit of random to help keep life real.

I want a miniature dog. Like a Puggle or better yet, a Pocket Puggle. My husband says he can't read me, one week ago I never ever ever wanted an animal in our home, and now I am searching pet adoption and favorite family friendly breeds. Claire says it's got to be the baby, because "you have never a day in your (adult) life wanted a dog." I blame the missionaries currently staying at my office and their cute little tiny dog that is indoor potty trained and likes to sit on my baby bump.

But, if we got a dog, we'd have to potty train a dog, and well, I'm potty training Micah, so I think that would be a bit too much to handle.

Seriously though, Micah would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a Puggle for Christmas, he'd be beside himself. It might just be that over the top reward that would keep him on track ;) lol

I told you I'm random.

In the last week the baby movements have picked up about ten fold. I'm feeling frequent movement now, though she/he still isn't quite strong enough to be felt by anyone else yet.

Micah frequently wraps his arms around my body and puts his head on my stomach and refuses to move saying "I'm missing the baby" or "I need the baby." The best is when he puts his feet on my stomach and then starts laughing (seemingly at himself) and joyously exclaims "The baby is tickling me!!" He enjoys playing the naming game which goes something like this:
MJ: Name the baby Shirt!
Me: Shirt?!? I can't name the baby Shirt! Shirt, go put on your Shirt, that would be con-FU-sing!
MJ: Name the baby TV!
Me. TV?!? I can't name the baby TV! TV, please turn off the TV, that would be con-FU-sing!

You get the idea. So funny.

Owen still calls the baby, Suuuuuuuuuuuu-san, or Captain Underpants and is excited because I'm finally getting fat (and it's okay to say so!!! Perhaps that's the real excitement in it, lol.)

Really looking forward to having about 13 days off of work starting tomorrow afternoon. Good long stretch for potty training, relaxing, reading, family time, and just soaking up the memories with my precious little guys.

I'm doing Christmas Cards this year and I'm super excited about them, though the address wrangling is a pain. I'm actually creating a spreadsheet that I plan to keep updated but it's been a lot of work. So glad I started that way beforehand. And at this point, I'm done begging. If I don't have your address you don't get a card, and that is that. (bushes hands together).  The cards will probably arrive just after Christmas, but as I'll have them at the post office by the end of this week, that will be the post offices fault, not mine ;)

Prayers have been so mixed lately, there is so much pain in this world, it's hard to find the words, and mixed with that is joy and excitement for so many of my friends whom the Lord is doing big things for right now. I think of how the Lord must feel these conflicting emotions, joy and sorrow, everyday, celebrating and grieving with all of His children, daily. There for us, in the good as well as the bad.

Now seriously, back to the Pocket Puggle, how can you not fall in love with these beautiful little faces???

If we were to get a dog, we would seriously have to name it Random. We'd have to, because this is the most ridiculous and completely off the wall idea I've ever had.

My Frosted Flakes

It amazes me how sometimes it's the little things that can really make you feel like a million bucks

And when multiples of these little things all line up within the same period of time

Well, watch out world!

When your pregnant people no longer ask you how you are, they will forever and always ask you how you feel. My answer? The last few days it's been a resounding and cheerful "I feel GREAT!" Like Tony the Tiger after a bowl of frosted flakes. My smile radiates, I can feel it in my eyes. So what blessings and little gems of joy has the Lord weaved together in the last several days to cause me such enthusiasm?

• The "I love my wife because..." post my husband wrote for my Birthday was pretty awesome and still makes me smile (and tear up!) 
• I have two beautiful boys, who are wild, but ultimately amazing kids.
• 12 hours of completely uninterrupted sleep on Friday night.
• Reading and singing and praying about Christmas as a family every night is a special and relaxing way to end each day this season. 
• I managed to COMPLETE several loads of laundry this weekend and don't have to hunt down clean clothes for the boys to wear each morning. 
• Between a friend who is letting me borrow her maternity clothes and several frugal trips to the Salvation Army I have a closet full of clothes that I'm in love with and make me feel fabulous. 
• I had enough energy and motivation combined to clean my bedroom. My ruffly blanket is made up pretty on my bed and my floor is clean, my decorations are slowly coming along making the master bedroom feel like an amazing retreat awaiting me after a long day. 
• I'm showing way more with this baby at 18 weeks than I did with either of my boys, and yet I still haven't gained a pound! Wohoo!!! (I'll enjoy that for as long as it lasts and as long as my Dr. isn't concerned.)
• My hair cut is super easy to style and looks best when the layers all fall in a hundred different directions encouraging me to wear it down more often than I normally do because it doesn't have to look perfect to look good. 
• The Lord is doing exciting things for so many of our family friends. 
• My heart is stirring and growing as I relax and reflect this month. 
• For the first time ever, we have had the privileged to decorate outside for Christmas. Last year was our first year in a home of our own so really the first possibility but we didn't think it wise to spend the money. Our decorations are a simple strand of white lights along the length of our house and garage but oh how splendid it is and what a simple way to show others in our neighborhood we celebrate Christmas, and hopefully our light will continue to shine even after the lights have come down and the season has come to an end. 
• Micah was  a very funny Joseph in the Christmas play yesterday, but the best part was that he was so proud of it and Owen was proud of him. I loved hearing him tell every person who congratulated him who he was, and to even hear him talking about it as he crawled into bed and said good night. 
• And today's biggest smile comes from having heard the baby's heart beat this morning. A sound I'll never get used to or sick of. 

As my mind clears I can see these things more abundantly, yes, laundry is exciting, I have clothes to wear, but also the energy, money and machinery required to clean those clothes and places to put them away. I have a clean or mostly clean house, friends could stop by and I wouldn't have to be embarrassed. I'm enjoying this phase of the early second trimester, I might not be feeling the baby consistently yet, but oh how wonderful it is to have energy, to still be small enough that I can walk and breath and even bend over! In a world that is imperfect all of these things are gifts and blessings that I treasure and focusing on them, and the good that the Lord has done helps me to be cheery and excited and a little like Tony the Tiger as I go about my day. 

So, friends, I'll leave you with a few photos and wonder, what is it that the Lord has done or is doing in your life to make you say "I'm GREAT!" What are your Frosted Flakes today? 

On Thanksgiving at my parents house

That's what brotherly love looks like! 

The boys watching Mary Poppins at Grandma's house

Words escape me.

Pursuing Quiet

The older I get, the smaller my brain seems to get. It seems, at least to me, that there is more and more trying to take up space in my mind, and less and less space to go around. Perhaps it isn't just my age that creates the more, but a combination of that combined with our digital age, the influx of information available on the internet, via several different highways, pinterest, facebook, twitter, wikipedia. More than you could have ever hoped or needed to know about any topic or any person at the tips of your fingers.

Along with this knowledge, comes pressure. Often unspoken or self imposed there has become this new sort of element to evaluate self worth against. No longer is our value as a person, a mother, a sister, daughter, a Christian, x y or z just based on our relationships, experiences, or effort in the real world, but now there is this web world we must fit into as well. Are my facebook statuses witty enough, or inspirational enough? If I don't blog daily or about deep enough issues will the readers come? If I can't live up to the standards of potty training in three days as pinned hundreds of times will I somehow be less of a mother? 

I may be taking this to a slight extreme in order to make my point, but regardless, there are standards set that we begin to feel like we have to meet, and if we can't meet each one we can sometimes, begin to let those "failures" define us. Not always, not every failure, but even some. 

Lately, I've found myself in a place that is crowded. My mind is full of these expectations, facebook antedotes I shoulda/coulda/woulda posted. My heart is desiring to draw closer to the Lord, but my world is full of distractions, expectations, and relationships that I'm maintaining or fanning even if it's just via a FB status here and there. 

It's Christmas and the signs of this are everywhere. My tree is up, the stockings hung, I have this beautiful new wooden snowman that I am just in love with hanging, the candles are out, the wreath is up, and presents are starting to overflow on my bedroom floor. Yes Christmas is evident everywhere, except in my heart. That's what struck me a few days ago, and as a result I decided to attempt to quiet my heart and mind this season. There are so many different ideas out there of how to do that, but ultimately I'm picking and choosing bits and pieces from several different ideas and making this journey my own. I'm stepping back from facebook first and foremost to let my mind clear, our family is doing an advent type reading each night, and I'm thinking to do a few weekend crafts/baking that don't complicate but simplify our family time. 

Yesterday was my first day off of FB and don't you know the minute I decided not to post anything for awhile 50 "worthy" statuses started to inundate me. 

• A man easily my fathers age just walked within 8 inches of me and said "Your husband ought to be a very proud man. I mean it, a very very proud man." The creepiest compliment I've received in a long time. 
•  My bus driving just told me I'm cute and glowing, I guess the pregnancy glow isn't just a myth!
• It has not been that long since the last time I swept, but you wouldn't know it from the two dustpan fulls I just swooped up. 

Seriously. Those are the intellectual thoughts I had yesterday, then after the sweeping one, this blog post came to mind. Or at least the paragraph I'm about to write. These are the things flooding my mind and wasting space in my heart, around Christmas? It's my hope that as my Facebook fast goes forward, as I attempt to fill more of my time reading the Bible and praying verses getting distracted by facebook and it's many avenues, these thoughts will be replaced with ones of value. That more blog posts will be written, that I will draw closer to the Lord as He is waiting for me to do, and that my family will be ready for Christmas morning, not because they'll get presents but because they will meet Jesus. 

This morning I was reading in Ecclesiastes about how everything is meaningless and chapter 1 verses 8 and 9 really struck me today, especially when thinking about everything I've been processing the last few days. 

All things are wearisome,more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. 

I read these verses and felt like they really described facebook well, there is always more to see more to read, what has been said will be said again and what has been done will be done again, it's a lot of the same. Now, I'm actually not against facebook, I am a huge advocate and have begged many a friends to join because I love what social media can do for relationships and feel like my friendships with the women in my church (particularly but not exclusively) are richer because of conversations over facebook and sparked by facebook statuses etc. That said, at this particular time, and I'm not putting a max or min length on it, I really need to pull back and let my heart and mind fill up with the Lord. I expect it will be throughout the Christmas season............but we shall see.

So friends, what are you doing this season to quiet your heart? There isn't any one right way, there are hundreds of ideas, what are some of the things you are doing or hope to do? 

Love always

For My Wife On Her Birthday

I woke up this morning to find a link on my facebook page to a blog post my husband wrote about me. Funny thing is though he posted it in a blog I started more than 4 years ago (under his name because I didn't have a google account at the time) and never since updated! So, I thought I'd move the content to it's rightful place! I'm not sure I deserve all of the fabulous things he said about me, laundry for one is something I'm horrible at keeping up on and definitely complain about, but I feel so loved and blessed none-the-less.


Its my wife's birthday today (December 3rd) and I am hijacking her blog to brag about how amazing my wife is so that everyone knows. I don't brag on her as much as she deserves and she definitely deserves it way more than i give it. A little over seven years ago my wife was gullible enough to marry me. I don't know what she was thinking but her lack of judgement was my gain. My wife has always been there for me through thick and thin. She has always supported me in every aspect of life. The kind of wife that bible talks about in Proverbs 31. "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies". How true! She was there for me through cancer, taking me in for chemo treatments and showing me love and support. She was there behind me even when i wasn't making that much money and we struggled to get by here and there with large cancer bills, never making me feel as though i couldn't provide. She always uplifts me and encourages me. She supports me as a Dad even when i make mistakes. She helps with all kinds of different church ministries, she prays for me all the time and is constantly putting the needs of her family above her own. She puts up with my forgetfulness  my messiness, my constant watching of sports, my fishing trips, no-shave November =) and stealing of the covers at night. Everyday she gets up, gets the kids ready for school, gets them breakfast, drops Micah off at daycare, makes sure Owen is on his school bus and that he has underwear on =), puts in a full workday, picks Micah up, makes sure shes there when Owen gets off the school bus,  helps the kids with their school work, does laundry, cleans the house and makes us food......sleep......repeat....sleep.....repeat.  I cant really name all the stuff she does because the list would be too long, but you get the point. I sometimes don't even realize all that she does until I'm left to do them myself, I realize just how much i appreciate everything that she does and how gracefully she does them.

Through the coarse of life things change, people change, kids change, jobs change, life situations change but having a good wife by your side through it all....There is no greater feeling in the world and God is right about a virtuous woman. What a treasure.  As i get older i grow to appreciate, love and cherish her even more as my wife and as the amazing mother of my children. Each year i ask myself what did i do to deserve the blessing of a good wife, and what would my life look like without her (I don't ever want to know).. I don't deserve it, just as i don't deserve any of the blessings God has given me. For some reason God chooses to bless. What a great God we have!

Thank you my wife for loving me, supporting me, building me up, and always being there. You are my treasure, and i have no doubt when our children are older they will rise up and call her blessed.Your Lucky Husband

KA-POW and BOO-YA

A few weeks ago, I was seriously struggling with joy. I was feeling run down, overwhelmed by the everyday-ness of life, the mundane, the exhaustion and ick of the first trimester, the moments when the kids wouldn't listen to anything I said. All of these things swirled together with the lack of time and energy I was putting into my relationship with Christ to create what felt like a grumpy little monster living inside of my heart.

Last week, I made some changes and I could feel that monster being squelched, I could feel light returning to me. My heart had a feeling of warmth in it again, magnified of course by the beautiful weather we had this weekend, and my mind felt light. Even with the continued everyday-ness of life things were feeling more manageable. What a major difference (actively) walking with the Lord can make.

I am so grateful to feel alive again, and to top it off I'm officially in the 2nd Trimester club and feel human again, yesterday I was told that I look great, I don't look or seem pregnant at all and that she could tell I was feeling great. I felt like that was the greatest compliment ever! I can't explain how healing it was to hear something other than "oh dear, you look sooooo tired" or get the loving but highly sympathetic shrug/half hug/shoulder pat. I feel alive again. Warm and light and full of God's love.

Sorry about the quality, it's off of my cell phone. 14 weeks.

Phew. Okay, as though all of that isn't enough for today's post, now that it's out of the way I want to get into the GOOD STUFF>>>>>THE GOD STUFF!

I've spoken in this place about prayer before, about how much I love being apart (even if it's such a small part) of what God is doing or about to do, through prayer. When the Lord does something that I've been praying for I just explode with a love for Him that I cannot describe. It isn't about me, or the fact that I prayed, but about Him and His goodness, His faithfulness to listen to and care about the desires of our heart. I feel humbled, awed, grateful, blessed, loved, and cherished when He moves in response to a prayer.

Yesterday, such a thing occurred. I found out that a prayer I'd been praying with increased intensity throughout the last year has been answered. My heart exploded! I couldn't keep a smile off of my face, I still can't. I just have to sing His praises for being so faithful, for having had a plan all of this time, and for bringing hope, excitement and a reminder of His goodness to this situation. It isn't about any of us and our selfish prayers or hopes and dreams, but about Him and His unending love for us. I just can't contain how much I love my Lord and how being in prayer and seeing prayers answered has increased not only my love for, but also my knowledge and understanding of just who it is I serve and therefore why I desire to serve more faithfully.

I find it a real honor when people come to me and ask for prayer, and if I say that I'm praying you can pretty much rest assured that I am and that even as I say I am or will I actually am quietly in my head. If the atmosphere is right, I might even pray right then. Again, I emphasize it isn't about me or feeling special because people turn to me, share with me, or value my prayers, it's about enjoying being used by the Lord through prayer. It's about wanting to touch someone else's life with God's love and faithfulness and showing them how good and deserving He is to bless us and care for us who are so undeserving.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I'm tearing up just thinking about it, so it's got to be good on some level!

So, this morning the Lord just went "KAPOW" and caused another explosion in my heart, He had yet another "conversation" with me about this amazing gift of prayer that He has given to us, and just floored me. I am so humbled to have been such a small part of something that is so so so big to someone else, so big in fact that it's the size of an 8 or 9 month pregnant belly.

 As I was walking into the doctors office this morning for my 14 week appointment I saw this obviously pregnant woman coming towards me, I vaguely recognized her and immediately smiled and said hi. She eagerly said hi back and stops and says "do you remember me?" I told her I did but I couldn't quite place her, smiling ever politely. She say's "from the bank." I immediately knew, of course I knew her, I'd prayed very passionately for her for about a month. I smiled big and said "Oh yes of course! How are you?"

This is where I'm floored. Where I nearly had to pick my jaw up off of the floor.

"I'm really good, I just had to tell you, you prayed for me once, that I would get pregnant, and I did, I am. He'll be here with us in just a few weeks, so I had to say Thank you."

BOO-YA

I just gushed. I pulled her in for a huge hug, my hand shot up in the air in praise, I congratulated her, I just gushed and gushed.

I'm not sure what her circumstances were, and don't remember specifically praying that she could get pregnant but I do clearly recall praying that her and her husband would be able to have more kids. Regardless of what I actually prayed, she sees God's prayers answered, and the Lord knew/knows way more about this family and their specific needs, perfect timing than I do. I'm just so blessed to know that God did something ginormous for them, and that in the process He was able to use me as a light.

God is so good friends. Is there something that has been burdening you? A prayer you have been waiting for an answer on for awhile? A situation you just aren't sure about? Don't give up hope, don't lack faith, or worry unnecessarily, the Lord with bless, in His great and perfect timing, He will make Himself known to you, and bless your stinking socks off!

This verses sums up this entire blog post in all of 23 words.

 "Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:11-12

The Facts of Life

I think the picture speaks for itself, but just in case you missed it, or the 30+ congratulations on Facebook, we are expecting baby number 3! Baby is due to join us mid May just before Michigan starts getting hot.

The boys chose their costumes this year without any help from mom, they just so happened to coordinate, and then this picture idea was formed, it was too cute not to do, and I never could have "planned" something so clever!

Now that the secret is out, I wanted to share some of the "statuses," funnies, and woes that have been itching to be shared in cyber space over the last 8-12 weeks. This post will be a bit random, but hopefully you will find it entertaining.

First of all, I would be remiss if I didn't start out with a giant HOLY MOLY the Lord's done it again! What a huge blessing it is to be pregnant again for our fourth time.  I know that each and every baby is a blessing and miracle from the Lord and I am just so grateful and excited to be here again, anticipating the swelling of my abdomen and those first tiny flutters of movement. Each of our boys were born with a huge testimony to the Lord's goodness and faithfulness (here and here), and even Toby(i) whom is awaiting us in Heaven was a sign from the Lord that we would have more kids even after Brian's cancer treatments (which one doctor had concerns about). So much joy and love. I'm so excited to see what this little bear's story will be. So blessed.

My husband, in his eagerness to show he was excited and praying for the baby, prayed for him/her at dinner just a few days after we had found out. When he finished his prayer he looked at the kids and said "Did you know that, that your mom is going to have a baby?" I wish I'd known so I could have recorded Owen's response. His eyes turned into quarters and he just lit up like the sun, "Mom your pregnant?" After much laughter and excitement I explained that we needed to be praying for the baby every day because sometimes babies go to heaven before we get to meet them and then we meet them when we get there, we also emphasized that this was a secret.

Boy, did he surprise me! I was so worried about the secret part but for about a month he kept his lips sealed tight. Once we were in the car and he said "Mom, you probably shouldn't talk about the baby with the windows down, someone might hear you."

Micah prays for the baby all of the time. "Thank you Jesus for the baby in moms belly." However, every prayer Micah John says starts that way. "Thank you Jesus ... for the cup, ... for Owen's school bus, ... that mommy is sick." Interpretations: "I need something to pray for so I will say cup, ... that mommy gets home before the school bus so that Owen doesn't get scared and mad if we aren't home yet, ...that mommy isn't sick anymore."

I love analyzing my babies while they are in the womb and then comparing those behaviors/assessments to their real personalities. Both Owen and Micah were dead on. Owen a go getter, a fighter, spunky and always let me know he was there. Micah a gentle lover, movements were much more subtle like a hand caressing my belly he was probably whispering "I love you too" or "I love you more, no I love you more, no I love you more" right back at me. This baby, too small at 12 weeks to let me know he or she is there by movement still stands apart as vastly different than my other two and really all three pregnancies. While I've had nausea and exhaustion before, I have NEVER EVER lost weight while I was pregnant. Granted I only lost 4 lbs but as I normally gain about 10 lbs in the first 12 weeks I feel like that was a pretty significant difference. I've been sick a couple of times, (but I've also had a stomach bug, an intestinal thing, and now this plague by cough) my biggest issue hasn't been loosing my food it's been not wanting food or changing my mind about food. For instance, baby says it wants salad with a certain dressing, and then baby hates said salad (at Elephant Bar, not a cheap salad baby!) baby does not want tacos, at all, ever, then mommy takes a bite and baby wants to eat every single ounce of that pound of meat, until wait, stop, that last bite was one bite too many. This has happened over and over again. Husband says he's not spending any more money on my cravings ;)

If I had to guess, I would say this baby has a woman's prerogative  but maybe that's just wishful thinking ;)

Things are getting better though, I'm wanting to eat more and being grossed out by fewer foods, so that's a bonus.

Owen told us the other day that he wants to name a baby girl "Captain Underpants" yes you read that right. Then he also supplied Susan from Monster's Vs. Aliens because he likes to mimic Bob when he say's "Suuuuuuuuuuuuuusaan, oo I scared myself." We actually like Susan, so it's kind of a contender right now, though Brian wont seriously discuss names until after the big gender reveal which isn't for a few more months. . . I like Susan, but not Suzanne, and I don't like and wont entertain Suzy as a nick name so we'd have to come up with an excellent alternative... We shall see, we still have all the time in the world.

One last note, again about Owen. His teacher told me yesterday that she was seriously impressed by Owen when they were doing their pumpkin lesson. Apparently when they learned that a pumpkin starts out as a seed before it grows big, he raised his hand and compared that to my belly because I'm growing a baby and it started out small kind of like the seed and it takes time for it to get bigger before the baby comes. She didn't tell him how close he was, replacing the word seed with egg, probably best not to go into the Facts of Life with a room full of Kindergartners!

Surprise, I lied. I have another one. :) This one is about Brian, I share this because it made me laugh and smile, and I'm sure many of you (those who know him personally) have the same question, and would hopefully enjoy his answer as much as I did.  Brian told our pastor, and good friend, that we were expecting number three (while things were still hush hush, in the middle of church, lol, boys.) What I've been told is that Tim said "is this a good thing, or a bad thing?" And Brian said "If you'd asked me a year ago, I would have said bad, but I'm actually really excited about it now." Tim's reply was "She wore you down eh?"

So there you have it friends, we are all so excited about this journey and cannot wait until spring when we can hold our sweet little teddy bear.

Motivators

Yesterday I had the privileged of listening to my husband teach the adult Sunday School class. I've heard him teach plenty of times before, youth group Sunday School, VBS, and the occasional message at special events, but I've never heard him teach like this. The Lord made his words and point clear, his message was dead on and hit me square in the heart.

Acceptance and Affirmation.

There was so much depth to his lesson that I wont be able to get into here, going through and explaining point by point about how Jesus came and fulfilled scripture and subsequently became everything that we need, replacing and ideally ridding us of that need to seek acceptance and affirmation from other sources. Examining my heart I couldn't help but realize how easy it is to slip away from the Lord, though always covered by His grace and he never moves from me, it is so easy to pull away from Him, allowing my heart to fill up with emptiness and longing.

Longing for acceptance from those who don't identify with my strong Christian lifestyle, seeking compliments from family members indicating that I hold value to our unit, gravitating towards friendships that nurture and breed self confidence. Longing for affirmation from others about the way we raise our kids, about how beautiful our home is, about which talents are gifts and which blessings are treasures. As church began my heart was aching as I realized how easily, quickly and often I put my hope and trust in other people instead of in  my Lord and in what He has done for me and what He speaks to me through His word and prayer time.

All of this is going through my mind as we begin our first worship song. Glory to God, glory to God, glory to God forever.

Both of my boys have now loved this worship song, also one of my favorites. It reminds me that everything we do, the reason we are made, all that we have been given, has been done to bring Glory to God.

But, have I been living my life to bring Glory to God? Is that what motivates me when I'm working my butt off to clean my house to have the women from church over, or am I motivated by fear of what people would say if they saw how big of slobs we can be? Have I been slaving for hours over the boys Halloween costumes to bring Glory to God? When I'm tired and cranky at the end of the night, do I snuggle with Micah because I'm grateful to God or to spare myself the pain of having to put him back in bed 15 times in 8 minutes? Is my exhaustion overwhelming my ability to sing praises or are my praises underwhelming? Are the statuses I put on facebook genuine or manipulated to trigger "likes" from 26 people in a matter of seconds? Am I motivated by pleasing the Lord or pleasing myself? Pleasing others?

I love how the Lord works. How He and He alone can ever so smoothly tie a poignant Sunday School message together with a worship service. When I told Brian last night about how I felt our Pastor's message and his had worked together he looked at me funny and asked "how so?" Pastor had talked about our gifts, and the importance of using those gifts, in our church and in our community. If we aren't using our gifts we are squandering what we have been given. Not exactly a perfect line up to the source of our acceptance and affirmation  except that the song had put me in a mindset where I was thinking about how I live my life, what my motivations are, who I'm trying to please.

I spend a lot of time being and doing. I float through life one obligation, meeting, to do list, at a time. I often go days without stopping to ask what God wants me to do in a situation, how I could be more effective in my ministry, how I could use my specific gifts and talents to bring Glory to God. Obviously the Lord has been stirring in my heart on these issues for a while but yesterday was the tip of the iceberg, the giant glaring sign that I need to again refocus my heart and seek the Lord in ALL that I do, and do it ALL for His Glory.

I went forward at church and cried out to the Lord, asking Him to show me how I can use the gift I know that He has given me for the church and more effectively in this space here, my community. I have been affirmed over and over by many women whom I trust and know that the Lord is using to encourage me, but I quickly get discouraged and doubt my gifts and talents. I offered all of that up to Him yesterday and vowed to trust Him and to plow forward, to forge a way for myself in this space and await His leading and directing with what I can do with this specific gift for my church. I prayed for wisdom but also that my motivation and passion would be ignited and not get quickly stamped out by laziness and doubt. This morning in my devotional time, the Lord let me to James 1:5-7 and felt like they are exactly what I need to add fuel to the fire, though they aren't fluffy feel good verses, these verses spoke volumes to my heart today with where I have been and where I don't ever want to be again.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord. 

Writing it all down here, felt like a good place to start.